Proverbs 13:24
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.
Proverbs 13:23-25 (in Context) Proverbs 13 (Whole Chapter)
It's a common myth that all Black parents spank. The myth persists among Black folks and those who think they know Black folks. My Mother was a spanker. She was spanked and she spanked me. My sister got a spanking almost everyday and not the occasional pop on the hand. We were spanked with belts. It was a punishment and it was used to instill fear and awe. I'm not going to sugar coat what it was meant to do. It was a tool of discipline and she spanked when she was angry, because when your kids misbehave it often makes you angry. I had welts and I cried and I ran and to some people who are reading this right now they would categorize this as abuse, but....it worked.
I was a very respectful and thoughtful child who obeyed my parents and still hold them in very high esteem. My mother balanced punishment with praise, equally. For as many spankings she doled out she doled out even more hugs and kisses and long soliloquies about how much she loved us and how proud she was of us. She was a queen to me, albeit flawed, but still a queen.
My father, on the other hand, did not spank. No one on his side of the family spanks and I tell you the anecdotal evidence doesn't look good for the "non-spankers". He was not a disciplinarian, but he wasn't the most affectionate either. It seems that the surge of emotionally investment it takes to spank or to hug uncontrollably was never there. I felt like in those days he was playing "father" like someone would play a parent on television: Strict, supposedly self assured, a little distant. I'm not sure if all non-spankers do that. It definitely seems to be so when I see them in grocery stores or outlet malls as they try to calmly tell Billy to stop kicking Mommy in the shins and asking for candy. I tell you that this never happened on any outings with Momma Librarian. I've never called my mother out of her name and I've never had a problem with authority.
There were no time outs in my house. There were restrictions as we got older, but that was only because the groundwork (that fear and awe) had already been laid. I wonder how different I would have turned out if I'd had time outs or restrictions as young as 2 or 3?
As I remember, and you can dispute me, the restrictions never worked very well on younger kids (and my sister was evidence) because if the infraction was serious enough and called for 3,4 or even 5 weeks of the dreaded notvnoradionointernet(I'm throwing in that net piece) then that means the kids is bothering you to find entertainment and with a rambunctious kid, a parent can only take a few days of that before the whole deal is sunk. How much easier and to the heart of the matter is a 5 minute spanking? It definitely drives home the idea of consequences for your actions. Still, I'm torn. I'm not sure I want to do it with my kids.
While I do think that for some things there really is only one alternative. If a kid lights a trash can on fire in his grandmother's garage, I'm sorry, that's an ass whoopin'. Or if a child runs out into the street. The quickest and most effective way to relay the message "Don't do that" is a spanking. But if the same kid gets gum in the seat of your new BMW, I'm not sure if it's appropriate. Really, what are the options? Parenting is such a personal thing, but it become so political and so judgmental.
Spanking's main goal is to suppress rebellion, and it does that, but I wonder if it suppresses creativity and free thought, as well. I'm not sure if I want my children to have that little voice in their heads that says "What are you doing?", "You might get in trouble", "How does this reflect on your parents?" That's such a burden and there may be a time when they need to speak up for themselves or others who they feel are being wronged. Spanking may rob them of that. I know I struggle with it.
If time out is on one end of the spectrum and spanking on the other. What is in the middle?
3 comments:
I don't believe in spanking... the spanking is the punishment and I don't consider that discipline.
My parents believed in using spanking as little as possible, and we were not spanked hard. It was about your pride, not your rump hurting.
The trouble with spanking is that the lesson it teaches is that someone who is bigger and stronger has the right to hurt you if you've done wrong. A lesson they carry to their adolescence, where it can be dangerous, and one they will in turn give to their kids.
It is truly terrifying to see that sort of transmission to a person with a bad temper. I have seen children hit HARD over a single rude comment. Heard about implements like spoons and hairbrushes being broken on the bottoms of children who were just being playful but in the minds of their parents stepped out of line.
I think my parents were cleverer in figuring out what would really get to us. One of the favored punishments was putting one of us in time out...where we could see and hear what everyone else was doing but not participate. It usually meant sitting on the stairs.
The other thing is the length of the punishment - a child development specialist I read said that you wanted to do 1 minute of time-out per year of age. If a 4 year old does something that requires that kind of punishment, anything longer than about 4 minutes loses its impact because they can only contemplate what they did wrong for so long. Beyond that, they lose the connection between action and punishment.
The other thing my parents did, which really worked, was shame.
See, my parents made it clear in many ways that they loved me - hugs, cheering at my soccer games, congratulating and rewarding me for good grades and awards, so on. So when I would do something and instead of that coveted affection and praise, I was told that my parents were disappointed in me...that cut me to the quick. That would sting until I could do something that could erase that disappointment.
I suppose the main point there is that kids have to believe their parents' pride and affection is worth having, and I think THAT is the most important lesson you can teach a child in terms of discipline. A child who thinks 'If I screw up like that, Mom is going to be so hurt' and cares that Mom will be hurt is one who will try to avoid that mistake.
The other thing is that positive goals like pleasing and making your parents proud allow for more creativity.
I know more about that from dog training than from children, admittedly, but I believe that the principle carries over. I work with service dogs, who have to be able to think and creatively come up with ways to do what they are being asked. If your dog expects praise and rewards when he does what you ask, he seeks them. He wants to please, he wants his treat, and most of all he wants to hear what a good dog he is.
In training that type of dog, correction - not punishment, but a way that lets the dog know what he has done is not right - is a step on the road to praise. If I tell my dog that I want him to bring me his leash and he brings me a shoe, I know he tried so I gently tell him 'wrong' and have him try again. On the other hand, if he does not try to pick up anything at all, I command him to pay attention and ask him for the leash again. If he does not get his leash, I drop my voice and growl the command. If he still won't get it, I bring him to the leash and tell him to get it. Next, I pick up the leash so he can take it from my hand. Finally, I physically put it in his mouth - which dogs do not like! We repeat this several times, until he gets it right, and then I shower him with praise and give him treats. The former misbehavior HAS to go out the window when he gets it right, or else he will only learn that it is bad to displease me, not that it is good to please me.
I realize this has become a long comment, but the root of what I am trying to say is that harsh punishment can short-circuit a child's desire to please. The carrot is more powerful than the stick, and the stick should only be applied gently in an effort to remind a child that it is good to seek the carrot.
@ Kim- What kinds of discipline do you think are appropriate then. In some ways I think a complete lack of discipline is just as damaging as too much or harsh punishment.
@Kali- I totally get what you're saying, but I think it depends on the child, as well. I hated to disappoint my mother, but my sister really didn't care. A dose of disappointment was lost on her, so I guess it really has to come down to creativity with each child. It's not as easy as some try to make it out to be, though I don't want to overthink it either.
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